Inauguram prin aparitia acestei scrisori, publicata cu permisiunea autoarei, (scrisoarea a fost difuzata pe lista parintilor americani care au adoptat copii din Romania), rubrica INTERNATIONAL – in care se vor putea gasi articole in limbi de circulatie internationala din diferite domenii, pe care noi le consideram relevante pentru diferite aspecte abordate cu predilectie de publicatia noastra. Invitati-va cunoscutii care nu cunosc limba romana sa cunoasca Romania prin intermediul acestei noi rubrici!
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Redactia
Dear Laura,
I enjoyed reading your message. Like you, I wish I could attend the reunion, but can’t this year.
At the last reunion, our son, Nick Simon, was a guest speaker. As parents, we were proud to hear him speak about helping street kids. Several parents commented that he did a great job. Some felt that he gave hope for parents stressed about the emotional and academic challenges their children were experiencing. Some mentioned, „light at the end of the tunnel.” Well, our tunnel light faded for a while and it was one of the most difficult challenges of our lives. I’m sharing it because I can’t be at the reunion and I feel others might learn from our experience.
One day Nick suddenly disappeared without any explanation. Nothing prepared us for losing him. We were devastated. We went through every range of emotion possible.
Everyone knows it’s difficult to make up for the emotional deprivation institutionalized children experienced as infants and toddlers. However, when kids become teens, parents sometimes face even tougher challenges. Attachment issues come up big time as teens seek identity and assert independence. Hopefully, sharing this will prepare others better than we were.
Our son did not like our rules. What teen likes rules? We were trying to protect him but he thought we didn’t trust his judgment. We assumed his behavior was typical teen rebellion.
Suddenly, after a small disagreement, he walked out the door and didn’t return. No one would help us because he was 18. Words can’t express how we felt as days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, and still no word from him. Not being able to talk with our son, lack of sleep, and misinformation from Nick’s friends and acquaintances, led us to draw wrong conclusions that made problems worse. We were on an emotional roller coaster ride that seemed to have no end.
Then came Hurricane Charley. We are probably the only ones in Florida thankful for that hurricane! The day before Charley hit Orlando, Nick called to see how we were doing. In an instant, our world became whole again.
Nick came home to help board up the house. There was no plywood left when he went to the store, so he bought a section of wooden fence. It looked funny nailed on the front window frame but it was the perfect solution. It protected us through three hurricanes. Our neighbors felt like they were in a dark cave throughout hurricane season. We had rays of light shining through slats of wood. Our lives were much brighter too. The night Hurricane Charley hit, we watched by candlelight as our kids sang and danced to music from a battery operated radio. We did not even care about the roaring storm outside. We were the happiest, most relieved parents on earth.
Like many of the Romanians I saw in Bucharest, Nick is VERY resourceful. That’s how he managed to find a fence for our window. That’s how he managed after leaving home suddenly without a car, a phone, money, or place to stay. That’s what enabled him to return three months later completely self-sufficient and much more mature.
All parents face upheavals with teens. However, adoptive parents sometimes have more issues to confront. Not losing sight of the big picture might help. Having a stubborn, strong-willed child is not something most parents enjoy. However, it is not necessarily all bad either. The flip side of each personality trait is that it might hold just what a kid needs to survive in the world. It’s their journey in life. We try to give them a lantern…but ultimately, they decide whether to take it or light the path another way.
Last year, Nick went to college full time, worked two jobs, and completely supported himself, sharing an apartment with two friends…without any help from us.
Unfortunately, his car was totaled during one of the hurricanes. His next car was recently totaled by a drunk driver. He was not injured. However, he had borrowed money to replace the transmission, tires, and battery. He still has payments on that, plus car payments on two totaled cars. He gets some insurance money, but it doesn’t come close to paying what he owes. It’s been a tough year financially for him.
No matter how independent people want to be, sometimes the world crashes down. When that happens, having a family that cares, DOES make a difference. Parents need to trust that kids will get the life experiences they need to grow. Fact is, everyone gets the lessons they need…sometimes in the most unexpected, unwanted ways.
Nick is temporarily living back home. He is working day and night and desperately looking for a used car that doesn’t need a new transmission, new tires or a battery. He returns to college in the fall. He appreciates us and we value each day we have with him. We know that one day he will walk out the door again and not return. We are much better prepared for that inevitability. We won’t worry as much because we know he is resilient and very determined. He will accomplish anything he sets out as his goal. I think other parents of adopted Romanian children will discover that their kids are very resilient as well.
Nick also works passionately on Orphan World Foundation, our family nonprofit. He’s very compassionate and he tries to make a difference for street kids. If you want to see what we’re doing or want to see an updated picture of Nick, just visit: www.orphanworld.org. We are recruiting more „Helpers of the O. W. L. S. ” (Orphans Without Love or Shelter), especially ones traveling to Romania next year. If you are involved in an organization that help kids, please let us know so we can post it on our website.
I hope this message offers hope to parents of preteens and teens the way Nick’s speech offered encouragement to parents of younger kids at the last reunion. If anyone has a personality conflict with a child, look at the flip side. Perhaps that will give clues about how to handle the situation and the patience to see a bigger picture than what’s being presented at the moment. It’s too bad there isn’t a blog to share parenting experiences because we can all learn from each other.
I hope everyone has fun at the Reunion. Never will you feel a bond with any group of people like you do with other adoptive parents. It’s important for kids who share a common heritage to spend time together. It’s a time for parents to „catch up” and share stories and reconnect too.
I look forward to seeing pictures of many smiling faces. Call us when you are in Orlando.
Connie
Connie & Paul Simon
www.orphanworld.org
Orphan World Foundation,
a project of the National Heritage Foundation
PO Box 621747
Orlando, FL 32862
EMAIL: orphanworld@aol.com
Give a HOOT. Help the O.W.L.S.
(Orphans Without Love or Shelter)